I'm at home and maybe its because I'm listening to Lana del Rey or the sky is overcast and it makes me sentimental. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or the knowledge that in a month I will reach the age where no one really counts birthdays any longer. I don't know but I want to cry. I want to cry because i didn't fulfill all the goals i had set up for myself when i was 18. I know and people tell me all the time that its ok to be where i am. But i don't fell that way. It makes me feel worse in fact, truth is at my age i wanted to have my bachelors, i wanted to have a job, i wanted my driver's license, and i wanted a boyfriend. Thats what me at 18 would have told you that i wanted that i was going to achieve. Yet here i am, i'm not finished with school and to top it off, i'm not being held back because i can't get my shit together it's mostly only because i can't get one class finished! Math! its frustrating to know that i could be at a university already, well could have two years ago and because of this subject i havent been accepted is just heartbreaking. then there's that job shit, i've applied to twenty places and no one will hire me. i had a job in the summer that i loved and i wish i still worked there but it was seasonal. I wish i had a source of income and i hate feeling like a leech. i also hate being without money. The juxtaposition of these places irks me and i can't seem to do anything about it. I hate talking to people who make things happen for themselves because i feel bad i can't be like them. In short i kind of hate being me sometimes. mostly when it's about the job search shit. Is there no one that will hire a tri-lingual intellectual? you'd think right? yeah nope. Then there's the driver's license which is probably the last thing i worry about mainly because theres so much other shit i need to worry about. And i know how to drive, it's not like i can't i just haven't gotten my license. However it just reminds me of how ridiculous it is when in LA the car capital of the world, (seriously its so fucking necessary out here) i don't actually have it. Ah that leaves me with the boyfriend front. I die, so everyone of my friends call me unproductive on that front until last yr where they said too much productiveness and with the wrong dude so to hell with it. i do want a man, but finding someone that fits me is harder than it seems. I cant just date someone who i will have to keep a world separate from my family or friends. I've had my friends do it, it's just too complicated. i want a guy, a mr.right now that will just fit in with my lifestyle. i won't change my life for someone until i know they are worth the change. i want him to like my friends, to be able to hang out together and he has to understand that i'm family first everything else after. i don't want a guy who is always with his friends and never knows when not to bring them or invite them. My friends says that im just too picky, maybe i am but i just dont want to date a guy who is so full of shit he'll bring me down, i just dont deal with bullshit, i know what i like i just wish i knew how to attain it. Maybe im too lazy to chase what i really want, i don't know why i stop myself, i dont know how to take emotional risks, im not good at it, and so i never do. Unless your wearing a sign that says Hi I'm into you, you might as well shake my hand and call me your friend. it took me years to figure out that this one dude liked me and not only passively but aggresivley, i don't like to toot my horn but it's true and that took me years, btw he wore the sign: Hi i'm hard for you, that aggresive. Today i was in French and for the first time in a long time i saw how pointless it all is. The carreer i've chosen the idea of taking French 3 because i want a certificate not because i need it. Maybe it's because im taking it and so far i understand very little and its getting harder and i don't know how to deal with harder? Maybe its because i'm also taking math and it exasperates me to worlds end and the one thing i thought i would understand has become literally foreign to me. Whatever it is i want to cry but i won't because it's too easy to just cry. it'll give me a headache make my eyes puffy and i wish i could be like one of those people who cry and look the same afterwards but im like a crimescene so i wont i have to wait till im in bed or in the shower. Today im depressed tomorrow i'll be ok.. in fact tomorrow i'll be great but today i just want to cry.
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