January woes and goodbyes.

Good bye Janvier, Enero, January.
Tis long till we shall meet again, but ah when I feel your blistering menopausal weather. I shall know it is you and you have come to meet me once again. May next time we meet find me in a better position, actually in any position, than the one I'm currently in.
So long farewell till next year when I shall utter the words.
Winter is coming.
..........

SAG Awards Fashion

Sunday was another of Downtown, Los Angeles busy days, with the ceremony of the SAG awards. The awards were ablaze with the rich and the famous who were all trying to get a little piece of the naked male, commonly known as “The Actor”. The Shrine Auditorium where it was held found itself a prime dot in a grid of interconnected traffic  hot spots. But enough of the little traffic rant, here now are the nominees. But first an epilogue.

My dear readers you all know how I obsessed I am with all things Hollywood and its fashion. Well this year’s SAG’s were no exception. Excuse the delay but I had some family matters and didn’t have the available necessities to write this review, but now I do so here goes. My overall verdict of this year’s SAG fashion: bleh. Not too amazing. I think the globes had a better fashion sense. Everything was at a par. Furthermore I saw the Fashion Police show coverage and I think they have put Joan Rivers on some Novocain or given her a lifetime supply of free Botox. Seriously wtf Joan, I like your raunchy cutthroat style and lack of sympathy for the ill-dressed. During the SAG awards I felt she let me down. Joan if you ever read this listen to me, get mean or get lost in your Botox crypt bitch. We don’t mess around! Ok resuming convo the nights best dressed were three:

Viola Davis: the dress was fucking stunning, not only did she win a SAG award but she also won my pick for best dressed, the color made her look (not in a lesbian way) delicious. She is 46 but she looks like she’s late 30’s. And hello boobs!! The dress just fit and hugged in all the right places. Plus the contrast with her skin was magnificent. The makeup was great and the hair was perfection.  Sidenote; she had glowing skin, I think she put on some glitter but instead of looking tacky she looked hot!

Julie Bowen: Girlfriend looked hot! She was wearing a fuschia dress that was just va-vavoom! I loved it and thought that not only was it age appropriate it also strangely made her look a lot younger. The hair matched and so did the make-up which is always a plus. Moreover, she accentuated something underappreciated in Hollywood, her butt! And a very nice long sleek back. Go Julie Bowen, also it isn’t easy to wear the same color as your co-star who is renowned for her bosom and still look better than her. (Sofia Vergara, I talking to you.)

Octavia Spencer: You, homegurl shit in a pie and looks like a bajillion dollars. Let me just tell you that her dress was flawless. The sleeves were proportionate to the rest of the dress and didn’t look matronly at all. The heavy lace didn’t make her look heavier, but the exact opposite making her lighter and statelier. The flowing chiffon was also really pretty to look like coming down the carpet. The color was an even match for her skin tone and it was the first time a woman with curves looked prettier, not only compared to older women or other curvy women but with thin young femmes as well. I thought she was phenomenal! 

The worst of the night are as follows:

Heathr Morris: Girl, I do not know who the fuck you are , but you is an ugly ass dresser. You know when Bai Ling calls you for fashion advice you better steer clear! I have no idea what the fuck this girl thought when she put on this shit but she must have been smoking smoothing good! I hated this dress and the hair was sick, she doesn’t have the softness for it. She could have gone in many different directions, maybe she tried to copy Amber Heard but this was a hot mess. Girl you to young to fuck up, go get changed!

Zoe Saldana: Mira chica, yo se que sos bella pero puta no seas tonta! Girl’s one of my kin, and we are so not known to be fashion rule breakers in a bad way. Look at JLO. Look at Selena Gomez and so on. Hispanics always look good! But she wore something so bad! The tank top underneath looked like she  barley realized her dress was see through and wasn’t wearing a bra and pulled into a target bought the only thing in white and put it on. Then there as the bottom although it looked pretty I couldn’t help but hate the fabric , it looked like white pleather..ewww… she can do better, she must do better.

 The worst dressed award goes too:

Shailene Woodley: Yo Amy, wtf happened? The Descendants and The Secret Life of the American Teenager (SLOAT) star, disappoints! I do not know what it is about her but she cannot stand out in the crowd. She is star potential or not young girls always make a scene but she blends. The Golden Globes dress, although bad color and bad hair was not bad. This was a catastrophe! Plus that hair was so lame, girl try a little bit harder. Wear a pink or wear a deep blue but stay away from this kind of shit. It’s not that her body now looks like she’s 50 but the hair looks like if she had had sex in a car and messed uo her do, so decided on a ponytail. Es muy malo . 

This has been the fashion show for tonight. I shall see you all at the next awards show and to no more bad dresses. Btw honoroable mentions, Angelina Jolie is so hot she should know better than to wear shit like what she wore. Emma Stone, valiant effort change the shoes. Natalie Portman, girl try a wee bit harder and stay away from things that flop.  Oh and LEa Michele is still a bloody idiot this time she wore pointy shoes with a high slit dress. Can anyone say CHUNT! Not to mention the awful posing, total eeks. The End. 

Banging

When in Rome do as the Romans, don’t they say? Well in spirit of this, I decided to give myself bangs. My wife had and I got to talking about how to better the shape of my face and we got to talking about Bangs and how Salinger or should get bangs too. Next thing you know all three of us are staring into the mirror in separate houses with bangs. Rocking the side bangs.!

Morning Person

What is wrong with me? I used to be afternoon princess! I was able to go to sleep at 5 a.m and wake up @ 3 the next day. But now I find myself awake at 6:30 a.m. And I'm chipper! Fuck my life, I've turned into the very thing I abhor... A morning person!

Literature is my poison of choice.

Quickie fix:
This is the third book I can knock of my reading list I posted last time. I've decided that I will read the DeLillo and the other Wallace later because it is too long for the last two weeks of my vacation. Hell was not as good as i feel it could have been and the corrections felt like a dirtier version of  Empire Falls. I'm thinking of reading The Devil wears Prada next or Cold Mountain. Either way I have two weeks to finish some books because my vacations are almost up. For reference, i have as of now not gone too crazy with the literary overload, but did cut it some down. Wish me luck ...

Hell .....literally

Hell by Robert Olen Butler, is the last in a string of random novels that I have just picked up. I bought this novel on a whim a couple of weeks ago, the cover art caught me and just didn't let me go. It was my reading project for the week and I can honestly say that it was ... wait for it.... ehhh. just like that. Here's the skinny bitches: Hatcher McCord award winning journalist on earth is now and forever shall be in Hell. He is now anchorman of the Evening News From Hell. Although he is set with a cast were you honestly can't lose, the story does. Firstly his girlfriend is Anne Boleyn, yes that one, anyway there is so much material with that character it makes one wonder why he didn't use her to his full advantage. Firstly she stays in the apartment all the time and her ending is so weak. I think in fact that might be the downright fact. The story has potential and is so weak. He meets all these interesting and renowned people and you get excited to meet them or get to know them through Hatcher but the result is usually a major let down.  I think the saddest part of the book was perhaps the end, where he gets a chance to maybe escape and turns it down. The whole book is about his search for Heaven and when he finds it he turns it down. Why in the world would anyone do that? Why choose a life where everyone you hate is congregated in approximately the same breathing space as you? Bitch please, this book was sometimes HELL to read. (pun intended) It didn't prove to be a good time filler, more like you started it, now finish it. I hated that Hatcher had so much freedom, hated that he got to roam around Hell and hated that Satan was just sitting and watching instead of taking torturous action. I think that oddly enough my biggest plight with the novel was this: If Lilith (grand matron of the succubi) had two main daughters, why on any plane of souls would she name them "Lily" or "Lulu"? I mean come on! Be creative and not half-assed. Furthermore Butler uses famous peoples names like I use toilet paper, an unnecessary amount, and it ends up like the product, flushed down the toilet, he just throws names around, talk about name dropper without any probable cause. It was not what I expected, it left me wanting more. Blondie not pleased.

The Devil Inside

The Devil Inside is the name of the movie Salinger and I choose to watch this weekend with my wife  and R. Anyway we were late so caught the 11:40 showing of the movie. Why is this pertinent to know? Because dear reader there we’re four other movies showing at the same or roughly the same time. That should have been the first sign. The second sign should have been when my id got stuck in my wallet and even though everyone is older than me I had to show my id. Pftt.. thir d sign should have been when we got our movie tickets handed too us, they gave us  Mission Impossible 4  tickets. We should have taken his que, movie sucks watch this instead.  Although Twilight and its franchise take the cake in horrible and well there are a few that beat it in stupid (Paranormal Franchise anyone?) It was abysmal. I think I laughed more than I was frightened. Plus the end was super stupid, the premise was predictable. The plot goes like this, in the beginning we are shown the police footage of the discovery of the three murders Maria Rossi committed, and then they fast forward some years to Isabella Rossi who wants to know what really lead her mother to commit those atrocious attacks. Turns out her father who is now dead, revealed to her that she had an exorcism and that this is the reason why she is now in an insane asylum in Rome.  She is on team documentation with Michael who hopes to get good footage. They go to visit Isabella’s mom and get some footage of her acting funky, but mostly like a crazy person not like a possessed person.  They leave after Isabella’s mother gets agitated and angry. They attend some classes and come into contact with two priests who preform exorcism without the Holy See’s blessing or approval.  Isabella wants them to study her mother’s case and help her solve the riddle. … I already got tired of this plot… blah, blah , blah… the priest named Tom gets possessed after performing the exorcism because he is the most vulnerable, he almost drowns a baby during its baptism  (talk about traumatizing). When he gets home he cuts his veins and then as the cops come looking for him he disarms one and takes his gun and offs himself. The demon goes to Isabella who is taken to the hospital for shock and then kills a nurse. The other priest and Michael steal Isabella and they are taking her somewhere to perform a rushed exorcism. However in the car Isabella goes demon on their asses and they crash…. Let’s just say there is going to be a part two.  Oh and mark my words it will have something to do with Fr. Ben’s uncle and how he prolly killed him .. Well it will be about him no doubt. Apart from the obvious problems with this movie including the bad ending, the decidedly shoddy camera work, the less than thrilling scenes and the too obvious plot this movie wasn’t all bad. It could have stared Kristen Stewart! Furthermore what the fuck is up with the posters with the scary nun? She didn’t have more than 2 seconds of screen time and it was really stupid to put her as poster (actually good marketing strategy but false advertising.) ….. Let’s just say this movie fell way below par.

Man in the Dark

Man in the Dark by Paul Auster, was one of the novels that my friend E, had let me borrow and let me just say that I loved it. The plot is about a man who in his old age has lost the love of his life, is living with his recently divorced daughter and his grieving granddaughter. He has insomnia and to keep his thoughts at harbor he tells himself stories to make the time go quicker. He lies in his bed and attempts to make time fly, by creating another world, another him and another life.  In his other world things changed and time because circumstantial. In the daytime he is spared from his thoughts and focuses his energy on his granddaughter as they watch foreign films and she loses herself into the stories to escape her pain. The story is told from first person point of view and Auster delivers something beautiful in a very short, but moving novel. This book is about what happens when you’re left alone in the dark with your thoughts, with nothing to distract you from the realness of life but your own imagination.  How when you’re at this point in your life the only thing you want is comfort, someone to love and to share happiness and sadness and the realness of life.

I read this book because E asked me too. Now I’m going to read it again because I simply loved it. I  even asked Salinger to put aside her book projects for the moment and read this, because it’s simply beautiful. I love that its short and told in a Kiss of the Spider Woman way. Incorporated with snippets of a different story in one interwoven delicate beauty, where realism and fantasy coexist harmoniously. Best of all I love the idea of being to give you a full plot summary without spoiling any of it. There are still many surprises left. I absolutely loved it and think everyone should read it.  Especially considering that I had to read Girl with the Curious Hair I had lost some trust in E's reading prefereces but I came out with a huge smile and glad she lent it to me. 

The truth of housewives.

What I learned today is mainly this:
People who are bored and are of a certain age will do either/or of the following: clean or exercise. Or both. Unless your OCD, one's room should be a little messy, not pristine. God I'm one bored son-of- a bitch........

The Golden Globes Fashion

So, this Sunday was awards week over in HOLLYWOOD. This is like every fashionistas Christmas, of course we all love the awards show blah, blah, blah. But what really gets me going is the red carpet. This weekend  I positioned myself in my comfy blue couch, my notepad, diet coke and my kettle cooked chips on the ready as I jotted down what I believed to be the best and worst of the night and later compare them to the Fashion Police Monday night on E!.  Let me tell you right now that the big thing was nudes and blush colored gowns… it’s pretty but considering that it’s the time you want to pop nudes without sparkles … let’s not.  Although some really rocked it like, my favorite of the whole event Charlize Theron, she looked fucking gorgeous, in second place was Resse Witherspoon, who went from girl-next door cuteness too fucking va-va voom status. The reason I picked Charlize was mainly because she made that dress, which I had some problems with, look like it was perfect.  

Charlize Theron

Reese Witherspoon

The worst of the night in my opinion was Lea Michele. I have huge problems with this girls posing, she goes out of the way to like stick her huge shoulder out and make herself kind of concave so her butt is comically out, it’s like shes trying to get the JLO butt , yet everyone can see that girl you just don’t have that ass.. who you lying too girl!! Also she couldn’t pull the dress off, it was way too, “I’m- a -sexy -tv -star –that- needs- to –be- taken- more -seriously” kind  of look. Sarah Michelle Gellar you were the fashion icon of the 90's, wth? This is what happens when you let your young under the age of five daughter pick your dress. Don't let this happen to you again.  Those were the worst of the night. 

Lea Michele and her fucking shoulder ....brrr

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Angelina Jolie looked fucking beautiful, hate her. Evan Rachel Wood, whose fashion choices I usually attempt to defend, damn she let me down so bad so no more of her and I think that both Tilda Swinton and Nicole Kidman made valiant and decent choices, so to the next award and show and to more celebrity dress bashing time. Although seriously, I want to see them do better I know they can, stay true to your sense of fashion and you will undoubtedly be able to be like Angelina,  you can wear practically anything and never be worst dressed nominee.. leave it to Lea Michele. 

Blackberry Fury!

Hello, Blackberry! I got blogger mobile...fear my posts of fury!

Insidious ( the movie) and the UPS guy.

Ok, here’s the scene:

Salinger and I have just finished lunch and we're sitting in the living room watching Insidious.  *Side note: If you haven't seen insidious please do, I am always on the hunt for the perfect scary movie and although I am extremely frightened of "The Moth man Prophecies" with Richard Gere and Laura Linney (don't ask me why I wouldn’t give you a reasonable answer. )  Anyway we’re at this scene where the mom, the dad and the grandma are sitting at the kitchen table discussing why they are so frightened or whatever and on the side of the dad’s head a demon’s face fucking pops out… omfg. *resume scene*

Salinger and I jump because we are so freaked out by this random floating head, and my parents room door makes a funky noise, me being paranoid I get up to close it. As I am walking past my front door, the eerie music starts to play and right when it’s about to climax, the fucking doorbell rings, I yelp and so does Salinger,  we both look at each other with nervous laughter and we hear the UPS guy who undoubtedly heard our screams, yell in a semi-anxious voice, “It’s UPS”. At which point I run to the door open it and see this bald dude giving me the strangest of faces… (what a mess I must have seemed.) and he thrust the package into my hand and walked away.

Let’s just say Insidious did its job, it creeped me right the fuck out.  Which I kind of liked, I’m going to watch it again tomorrow and enjoy being scared. But hopefully there shall be no more UPS men. 

La Linda Negra y La Puta Que Me Pario.

My friends are some of the best people on this planet but today i have come to believe that one of them might seriously be thinking of murdering me in ... literature. Last year, about a week ago I stopped by my friend E, house. She is an accomplished published writer in Argentina and she is into the whole new literary movement, that I'm too young or too stupid (or both)to know of or have heard of. Anyway on this little trip she told me, her words exactly "Martuchis, you have to read these authors, estan *obscene geture* escuchame, the next time I see you, you tell me what you think ok". So these are the books, The Corrections by Jonathon Franzen , Underworld by Dom DeLillo, Infinite Jest and The Girl with the Curious Hair both by David Foster Wallace. Lets just say I did not know what I was getting myself into. I got home and happily ordered these books from the Library, as I was browsing the bn.com bargain bin, I found The Corrections, waiting for me like a whore to its pimp. So, I promptly bought it. Keep in mind when I left E's home I was reading Drinking with Strangers  by Butch Walker and about to start Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin. Well I finished the Walker biography and am currently about  one third into Clash of Kings, which thanks to Salinger is now on my phone so i can read it when I'm away from home and keep on with the book list. Why is this pertinent to murder you ask, well heres the skinny on that bitches, The Girl with the Curious Hair being about 400 pages long is the least, hear me, the least of my worries. Clash of Kings is 600-plus pages, but I'll finish it fast considering I babysit a lot and not always at home so phone be charged! Now let me give you page count,
 The Corrections: 583pgs
Underworld:900
Infinite Jest: 1000
The Girl with the Curious Hair: 400
plus I also got a b&n gift card and because I'm a cheapskate about how much I'm willing to pay for my collectors items I made 20 dollars go far, I think I have five dollars left and bought six books so far. Yay me!
The Devil Wears Prada  by Lauren Weisberger
Mad Libs...
A book that shall remain nameless.. Salinger you shush...
Hell by Robert Olen Butler
The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell.
Note the difference in the literary works? Yeah well when I come out of this literary frenxy you guys will be the first to find out if i have completly gone insane. Last year I was in a reading funk, I just couldn't commit to a book, except for the "Song of Fire and Ice" series and the "Millenium Trilogy" and some classic here and there. So here's a chin chin to a new year full of a lot of words. Hey at least it's good blog material. To my sanity, Chin chin, oopaa, salud, salute and all that jazz.. La puta que me pario.

Bolingbroke &Salinger

Firstly let me just say that Barbs and I have decided  to start our own review blog. It kind of spawned because we were always doing criticism on stuff that we read and well hey why not post it out there for the world to know. Right?  I love the layout and the idea of having a second blog to keep my reviews.. Plus in a partnership there will definitely be more frequent blogs. Anyway no worries my audience, (laughs at own joke) I will always continue to write my ramblings on here. This is after world Blondie's world. And Blondie is too spasmodic to share. However go ahead and view my review blog and get to meet Salinger!  http://bolingbroke-salinger.blogspot.com/ Enjoy. Right now there is a lot of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo reviews on there. We just saw the US version in theaters and since we're such fans of the book and the Swedish well it had to be our first. so do not despair there shall be more, especially once i get to post posters of movies i'm practically crapping my pants waiting for. Furthermore I would also like to announce that i propose to at least write one blog a month. Even if it is an incoherent rabble of thoughts. So check it, leave a comment. Toodles.