Charlie/Ralfie...

Yesterday one of my biffles called me to tell me her sisters life long best friend died. I had briefly met him when we had all gone to Disneyland together about two to three years back. Actually he was the one that got us the tickets. Well anyway he took me along and sooner rather than later, i felt at home sitting in a car with practically total strangers. I only knew my biffle and her sister and even then i barely knew her. Charlie made me feel right at home and he was so nice. i was sad when they dropped me off, because i knew i wouldn't see him, unless they *my biffles family* had a huge party  or other social event. I didn't even facebook him which sounds ridics but maybe i should have i don't know. About a month ago my friend told me that he wasn't doing so good and that he was on his deathbed. i can't explain it to you but it made me super sad i almost wanted to cry. yesterday she called me crying and said he was dead. again i wanted to cry and this time i did. I shed a few tears and then i pondered why did this make me sad. I didn't even cry when my uncle died in January  however i figured it out quick. Last august was  my little godbrother Ralf's 1st anniversary of death. i had spent weeks in the families home preparing for the event and when i was finally at home i was a mess. i wanted to be home, i wanted to cry all the time and i swear death was all around me. It was the aftereffects of the week. i wish i had cried more, i think i would have felt the impact less. So as i was messaging back and forth with my friends sister she said "You have no idea what it feels like to lose your friend" i didn't say so but the truth is i do. Ralfie was my friend, my brother, my cousin. he was like family to me. And when he died i didn't know how to react so i kept busy and i would cry in public places when i would see a funny picture and think i should text it to him and then remembered i would get no reply. i would cry whenever "Someone like you" by Adele played (and sadly it played a lot) because that's the song i fell asleep to it the night he died, crying and feeling abandoned. It was hard, and im sure it would have been harder if he had died in a painful way, but i thank god he was merciful and took him at his greatest hour. i didn't want to write the day of his anniversary because i thought i could avoid  it. i couldn't because here i am almost exactly 2 months later and writing about him. i miss him today more than i did yesterday. Everyday i grow more at peace with the idea of him being gone but it doesnt mean that he isnt gone. it means i miss him more as time goes by. i did  however fix the whole crying in public places thing. i don't cry when i see his face or when i speak of him. i still light a candle for him every 13th of the month and i still keep him in my prayers. i don't think that'll ever change. So today when someone i care about lost thier best friend, i know it sounds selfish, but i remembered the day i found out ralfie was dead. It just hurt and it felt kind of when you pick a scab. But scabs heel and your skin grows a little tougher and im hoping thats whats gonna happen. so rest in peace Charlie you were an excellent human being and i know your in a better place. Ralfie, what else can i say to i havent already? I miss you , i know your up there watching down on me and everyone you care about. i love you giraffa petacon... tu pinguina malhecha=]

Rafael:4/9/94-8/13/2011

Last month on this 13 of August i lost someone i loved, Rafael, he was my god brother and he was someone i cared for deeply. On that saturday when i gave him one last hug, i never for one second thought that he would never hug me again. That saturday when his sister called me to tell me that someone i had watched grow-up, someone who i had known my entire life , was gone in the closing of an eye, i was suspended in disbelief. i got to the hospital and still wearing my uniform from the event we had been at, my in beige and black everyone else in black and yellow i was confused, the bees were buzzing, i kept seeing bees. in all my young life i had never lost anyone i talked too on an almost daily basis. I had never lost a grandparent or a relative or anything i was really attached too. When ralfie died i cried till my eyes could produce no more tears. that night when i got home i listened to adele and yann tiersan and let the sorrow take me and i cried hard, i knew i had to go back to the place he died in the morning, but i didn't want to believe. it was soo shocking. i had said goodbye to him naught but 20 min before he died i saw him as he fell onto the ground and i saw when they took him away. but i wish i hadn't. i wish he was still here and that he would make me laugh. i wish that he hadn't died and that my godparents would be happy again. i wish he was here to make his sister go crazy and then make her laugh. i wish he was here to txt me and drive me crazy with his repetitive txts. i wish that he wasn't six feet under and that he wasn't buried. threeweeks ago tues was the viewing and i kid you, dear reader, 1500 people showed up, that we know off. The church (that is St. Thomas the Apostle Church) yes i'm catholic, was up to its neck in Rafael's friends and family. As i sat there behind my godparents and my best friend Brenda (his sister) i cried, all week i had held in my tears for fear of making them- my god parents and Brenda- cry, but tues i let go, no matter how much i tried the tears fell and they wouldnt stop falling. people around me were also crying and im pretty sure that everyone wasn't as distraught as i was, but you could see how Ralf with his charasmatic and pushy way had come to be completly loved in the community. It was touching, moving and so very comforting that everyone could give testimony as to how beautiful ralf had been. As a person. as a friend. and as a family member. I tried to see him there, as he lay in his navy blue and silver coffin, but i coulnd't he didin't look the same. the ralf i knew almost always smiled. Even when he was upset he always found a way to turn it into a joke and smile. and when i saw him lying there in the semblance of sleep i cried the hardest i coudn't believe who i was looking at, why i was there and for whom i was crying. nothing made sense and it still doesn't. Ladies and gentlemen i am a coward for i did not wish to be present at the funeral i went to stand over by a tree as they lowered my sweet godbrother to the earth and i still cried, there under the tree, i wanted to hug my parents and tell them that i loved them, but they were faraway so i hugged myself. i saw the lid of the coffin shine and thats the last time i will ever see him. now only memories bittersweet memories remian. today is his one month anniversary. and today i miss him more than i did yesterday, sometimes i forget whats happened but i will see something that will remind me of him, like a funnny cat picture, i'll get excited and want to show him and then remember that no one will laugh , for ralfie isn't there anymore.