run down memory lane?

so every spring i feel like i've seen everything before it borders on nostalgia and well it's a very weird feeling it makes me more insightful and as usual makes me think too much..i have a hard time sleeping and i find myself thinking about my past indescretions=]but anyway i always think about stuff that i shouldn't because it makes me sad and nostalgic and it prolongs my procrastination.. every time i know that i hit the month of may i think to myself, why do i think about this? why do i put myself in a position where i think about the could have, the should have, the maybe, the what ifs', all that goes through my mind whenever i don't have something filling the endless train of thought, adn today in english class, listening to my critical thinking teacher dron on and on about the importance of standing your ground i focused at a scar on my hand and i finally figured why i dwell on this nostalgia and why i always think about these things and am unable to let them go. it was around this time that i had my first tour of the male anatomy..it was the first time i had any sort of bodily contact with a boy..
so this is why i dwell on this as the most memorable time of the year, so if i space out or if i look like i am about to cry it's prolly cause i'm thinking about that first time..

Life Lessons

Life Lessons:
-your never too old for swings.
-your never too old to go on the slide
-if you go down the twisty one you may gravitate more to the side witht the ridge.
-the park is always better at night
-hot dog buns are delicious.
-chocolate is usually good no matter what.
-children over the age of five and under the age of thirteen are usually annoying beyond all mesaure.
-you'll have more fun if your with a friend.
-hugging is key
-the ladder get's narrower at the top
-math is usually a depressing subject, and one english majors may not understand(me)
-water is nice at any time
-clingy girlfriends are hard to let go of..
-the swings are scary when they start to creek.
-cold bannana is good.
-Anne makes me laugh
-Jerome is a robo dwarf hampster
-go down the slide on your back, it's a whole new experience.

Which is it?

Here's what i heard: if you want something bad enough, you'll get it. Opposed to that there is also this other quote: ? The more you want it, the less likely you are to get it. 

So my question is: what is the way to go.. for years(more like one) i've wished that i my would be lover would saunter he's nice looking ass my way. But here is someone else telling me something difference that would makes sense. i've wanted alot of things and when i really want it i get something different. Example three weeks ago i  was looking for these two sweaters that i had lost like two months ago. A week later i lost my camera cable. However that same day i found my sweater. So what i have to so now is look for something else so that i can find my camera cable.  

I guess it goes like this: you never find what your looking for, until you find the first thing that made you lose it in the first place.  so what i have to do is just let life take me and jsut go with its flow, after all isn't that how it happens you always find (i know it sounds cliched) what your looking for when you least expected? So now what i plan to do is to look for something else, and maybe i'll get my camera and a little something more

Off to Clairmont

Let me tell you a story: (the following is a true story)
She lay crying in her bed. she was sad alone and afraid of the future that loomed ahead. her necies were coming on Sunday she knew she had to pull herself together, her oldest neice her favorite, would see through the facade, but it was worth a try. she cried, until she fell asleep. in the morning she woke up and decided to take the dog on a walk around the condo. she found another rose.. when would he get it. when would he stop sending her the damn flowers?
he loved her and she knew that. but she had fallen out of love, she was angry and disillusioned.her heart was in million tiny pieces and secretly she knew she wasn't exactly as sane as she once was. March had proved to be a crazy month. she had walked out on her ten year marriage, to a man who had the emotionss of a rock and the mouth like a politician. it took her thirty minutes to pack all the belonging she had gathered in her ten years of marriage. mainly because her stuff was still in the same boxes they had been in since they had moved in the house. the house of her dreams. just not the man of her dreams. her life had gone ary, where was she. people had said she changed. she had lost her esscence. she had lost herself on the rocky road of her marriage. yet here she was,, wishing that she wasn't alone. she believed in love. but was anybody out there that would love her? she wondered,what had she done to deserve this hot mess of a life. imagine. a fourth grade teacher, a soon to be divorced fourth grade teacher. she wanted to love again she wanted to remember a time when she was happy with no worries.. Here she stands with her head in her hands and her body resting on me. i hug her and i tell her it's ok that i will always be there for her. i tell her that, though she will feel alone and she will feel scared that she must go through with her decision.that she must for her own sanity, leave him forever. i hold her until she sleeps and i make myself coffee.. i wish she could go though this painful process alone. i wish the flowers away.. i go to sleep and when i wake up i wish the flowers away..

Studmuffin

"joe" his name is something else , but to me he was always just joe. and i think i might have loved him. he made the butterflies in my tummy flutter and i have yet to find someone else who does it like he did. he was one of my best guy friends. he was amazing. everytime i saw him i just turned scarlet. joe was my high school sweetheart, and although we never went out we never kissed we never did much more than hold hands and walk around school with our arms around our waists i have never had something closer to a boyfriend before are after him. it felt like we were ina relationship, even my mom was like when is he going to ask you out. actually we meet each other's parents. it was weird. he walked me to class i kissed him on the cheek when i passed by his class, i would fix his chin hair/goatee.. on fieldtrips he was my bus buddy and he was the one who stroked my hair and it was I who held his hand so he wouldn't get lost. And to think we started talking because i fell in love with his star backpack! i think senior year i had the courage to say i know you like me you know i want you, let's get together, when he quietly and suddenly moved schools! i was saddended but i put it behind me and to be honest didn't care because during vacation i had a hook up, so i was devoid of emotion but i know that had i seen Joe my kuslapous would have done it's usual flip! but senior went by college began and even now i wouldn't have cared i thought i was done with all of him, but two days ago wiffey found his myspace. and i saw it and yes the kuslapous did a flip, whoever said they can't flip hasn't had it happen.. think of keanu reeves rock hard body!ahhh.. anyway, point is i feel things again, if only i could like project them onto someone else. someone i would/could have a potential relationship with. surprisingly the only guy i like is also named jose (joe's real name) and i nick named him joe.. similarites? that's where they end.. we'll see but i need to not see joe's face it's brutally handsome and it makes me cringe and i can't stop thinking if only!!!! ever had one of those days were your just a complete hot mess?

pun intended

ok so spring is coming and on it's tail rides summer, the barely clothed season. my goal to lose weight is not going in the direction i planned considering that everytime i'm around my friend anne (and we hang out almost every saturday or friday) we consume more in a day than i usually do in two days. you see, she is a very snackish person and well i like snacks to but can control myself, usually, instead i'll eat a big lunch and a small dinner usually cereal(mainly because by then i don't have the energy to cook and i won't eat meat that my mom cooks, bcause it takes to long to digest. when i'm around anne i eat mostly everything she does, mainly because it's really good!!!!! i mean who can pass up on cookies frozen yogurt, chocolate and churros?? how about elote loco, from the street vendors?? how can i not at least take a bite out of that??
it's ridiculous everytime were together weird things start to happen, she starts to forget things, something that i do thanx to the blonde hair(pun intended) and i eat like a fatass, which i know she does all the time, where she puts it away i'll never know! also food starts to come alive, for example we were at del taco once and we bought churros and coffee, i didn't want my last nugget of churro and so i poked the fork into it. it made eyes and that gave me the brilliant idea to make it a mouth and voila there is a very good imitation of a minituture human being. crazy part is he seemed to express emotion it was so scary that we threw him away wondering if he'd coe chasing after us.. *shivers*.. another thing would be the indecisiveness.. we never seem to know what to do. it's ridiculous. but we have fun anyway..so back to summer i hope to become more active as in walk eww.. what i need is to get a boyfriend... any takers??

ok.. timeout for muah

The thing that is bothering me most right now, is the film on t.v... jarhead..i'm not a fan of action /war films.. i think there sad, so i hate watching them.. in any case my weekend "grounded" so to speak is turning out to be ok or better than expected, i hardly spent time at home.. though i missed hanging out with asian, i did however catch up on some homework i had neglected for like three weeks now.. also, i had alot of time to myself.. which is nice because i slept alot, and i feel awesome now, very relaxed.. so anyway what is/was really bothering me was the fact that i could still get "grounded" i'm almost eighteen (my birthday being two weeks away) and i can still get grounded.. it bothers me more than anything else to date..
ahh well the joys of being underaged and under appreciated.. i want to watch choke i hear it's good.. and it's by the same guy who wrote fight club so might be good.. want to read the book now!