Charlie/Ralfie...

Yesterday one of my biffles called me to tell me her sisters life long best friend died. I had briefly met him when we had all gone to Disneyland together about two to three years back. Actually he was the one that got us the tickets. Well anyway he took me along and sooner rather than later, i felt at home sitting in a car with practically total strangers. I only knew my biffle and her sister and even then i barely knew her. Charlie made me feel right at home and he was so nice. i was sad when they dropped me off, because i knew i wouldn't see him, unless they *my biffles family* had a huge party  or other social event. I didn't even facebook him which sounds ridics but maybe i should have i don't know. About a month ago my friend told me that he wasn't doing so good and that he was on his deathbed. i can't explain it to you but it made me super sad i almost wanted to cry. yesterday she called me crying and said he was dead. again i wanted to cry and this time i did. I shed a few tears and then i pondered why did this make me sad. I didn't even cry when my uncle died in January  however i figured it out quick. Last august was  my little godbrother Ralf's 1st anniversary of death. i had spent weeks in the families home preparing for the event and when i was finally at home i was a mess. i wanted to be home, i wanted to cry all the time and i swear death was all around me. It was the aftereffects of the week. i wish i had cried more, i think i would have felt the impact less. So as i was messaging back and forth with my friends sister she said "You have no idea what it feels like to lose your friend" i didn't say so but the truth is i do. Ralfie was my friend, my brother, my cousin. he was like family to me. And when he died i didn't know how to react so i kept busy and i would cry in public places when i would see a funny picture and think i should text it to him and then remembered i would get no reply. i would cry whenever "Someone like you" by Adele played (and sadly it played a lot) because that's the song i fell asleep to it the night he died, crying and feeling abandoned. It was hard, and im sure it would have been harder if he had died in a painful way, but i thank god he was merciful and took him at his greatest hour. i didn't want to write the day of his anniversary because i thought i could avoid  it. i couldn't because here i am almost exactly 2 months later and writing about him. i miss him today more than i did yesterday. Everyday i grow more at peace with the idea of him being gone but it doesnt mean that he isnt gone. it means i miss him more as time goes by. i did  however fix the whole crying in public places thing. i don't cry when i see his face or when i speak of him. i still light a candle for him every 13th of the month and i still keep him in my prayers. i don't think that'll ever change. So today when someone i care about lost thier best friend, i know it sounds selfish, but i remembered the day i found out ralfie was dead. It just hurt and it felt kind of when you pick a scab. But scabs heel and your skin grows a little tougher and im hoping thats whats gonna happen. so rest in peace Charlie you were an excellent human being and i know your in a better place. Ralfie, what else can i say to i havent already? I miss you , i know your up there watching down on me and everyone you care about. i love you giraffa petacon... tu pinguina malhecha=]

living the deranged vertically challenged life.

I'm at home and maybe its because I'm listening to Lana del Rey or the sky is overcast and it makes me sentimental. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or the knowledge that in a month I will reach the age where no one really counts birthdays any longer. I don't know but I want to cry. I want to cry because i didn't fulfill all the goals i had set up for myself when i was 18. I know and people tell me all the time that its ok to be where i am. But i don't fell that way. It makes me feel worse in fact, truth is at my age i wanted to have my bachelors, i wanted to have a job, i wanted my driver's license, and i wanted a boyfriend. Thats what me at 18 would have told you that i wanted that i was going to achieve. Yet here i am, i'm not finished with school and to top it off, i'm not being held back because i can't get my shit together it's mostly only because i can't get one class finished! Math! its frustrating to know that i could be at a university already, well could have two years ago and because of this subject i havent been accepted is just heartbreaking. then there's that job shit, i've applied to twenty places and no one will hire me. i had a job in the summer that i loved and i wish i still worked there but it was seasonal. I wish i had a source of income and i hate feeling like a leech. i also hate being without money. The juxtaposition of these places irks me and i can't seem to do anything about it. I hate talking to people who make things happen for themselves because i feel bad i can't be like them. In short i kind of hate being me sometimes. mostly when it's about the job search shit. Is there no one that will hire a tri-lingual intellectual? you'd think right? yeah nope. Then there's the driver's license which is probably the last thing i worry about mainly because theres so much other shit i need to worry about. And i know how to drive, it's not like i can't i just haven't gotten my license. However it just reminds me of how ridiculous it is when in LA the car capital of the world, (seriously its so fucking necessary out here) i don't actually have it. Ah that leaves me with the boyfriend front. I die, so everyone of my friends call me unproductive on that front until last yr where they said too much productiveness and with the wrong dude so to hell with it. i do want a man, but finding someone that fits me is harder than it seems. I cant just date someone who i will have to keep a world separate from my family or friends. I've had my friends do it, it's just too complicated. i want a guy, a mr.right now that will just fit in with my lifestyle. i won't change my life for someone until i know they are worth the change. i want him to like my friends, to be able to hang out together and he has to understand that i'm family first everything else after. i don't want a guy who is always with his friends and never knows when not to bring them or invite them. My friends says that im just too picky, maybe i am but i just dont want to date a guy who is so full of shit he'll bring me down, i just dont deal with bullshit, i know what i like i just wish i knew how to attain it. Maybe im too lazy to chase what i really want, i don't know why i stop myself, i dont know how to take emotional risks, im not good at it, and  so i never do. Unless your wearing a sign that says Hi I'm into you, you might as well shake my hand and call me your friend. it took me years to figure out that this one dude liked me and not only passively but aggresivley, i don't like to toot my horn but it's true and that took me years, btw he wore the sign: Hi i'm hard for you, that aggresive. Today i was in French and for the first time in a long time i saw how pointless it all is. The carreer i've chosen the idea of taking French 3 because i want a certificate not because i need it. Maybe it's because im taking it and so far i understand very little and its getting harder and i don't know how to deal with harder? Maybe its because i'm also taking math and it exasperates me to worlds end and the one thing i thought i would understand has become literally foreign to me. Whatever it is i want to cry but i won't because it's too easy to just cry. it'll give me a headache make my eyes puffy and i wish i could be like one of those people who cry and look the same afterwards but im like a crimescene so i wont i have to wait till im in bed or in the shower. Today im depressed tomorrow i'll be ok.. in fact tomorrow i'll be great but today i just want to cry.

October

Have i ever mentioned how much i abhor October? No well then here it is i have a hate and love relatioship with October, for the sole reason that everyone i know was baisically born in October!!! It is exhausting for both myself and my wallet to buy presents as if it was christmas.
However i will say this, an ode to October:
Oh October with your semi-menopausal weather
with your sweet scented air and gray skies
how i hate and therefore love thee.
You inotxicate me with your tinge of winter's promise
you wrap in a frenzy and ignite my inner fire
Autumns baby, you celebrate the
advent of the terror and the horror
of fabricated Hollywood lies.
You demonstrate to me your limited powers
with the defecation of yellowing leaves
on the streets i wander..
oh october you asshole
or shall i say you lucky bastard
you who were unwillingly chosen to
be the crowning glory for expectant mothers
and who in turn broke my bank
i hate and therefore love you
-me
Im antsy leave me alone