2009 lessons and messages.

So end of the year rally up. Here is the conclusion that i have come too.. People come, people go. You think that you'll miss them but truly you won't. Only those select few who well, you know will stay for good. Money burns holes in the pockets of hungry teens-soon -to -be adults. Allnighters are fun when you have someone to pillowchat with. Death is not the happiest prospect it plays out to be. School is a commiment no one is willing to make but sorta of forced upon one. Watching movies when it's just you in a movie theater with your best friend is amazing. Road trips are amazing with the right people and the right music. Things happen for a reason, like finally realizing that maybe bald men are worth the look evey now and then. Telling someone that they are annoying and a hindrance to you, is a way of telling them to go fuck themselves. Having no or obsessing over you non exsistent love life is not something you want to do with a box of pasta. Waiting for the change, or for those to change, is not worth it, either you do something about it or let it go. People who usually say i need time to figure things out, it's not you it's me, is baisically saying: i wanna see if i can get better ass, if not hello again. Math is a treasure i need to open, for inside is a key that i need to move on to greener and better pastures, however i lack the correct map. Reading minds is useful when trying to play a practical joke. Or when talking shit in front of people. I can make a nickname about anything that comes my way Squab! A ceartin someone's cat sounds like a bird. Orrr.. People are stupider than you think they are. Compulsive liars hurt the heart. Not everybody likes the boy you date, but they say they will to make you feel special!
The lessons i learned this year were someo that wether i like it or not stay engrained in my mind no matter what i do or where i go. they will make me laugh like an idiot or angry or sad, just plain sad and the sad fact. For i more than anyone on this planet know how lonely you can be, even though you may be in aroom full of people you love. i know more than most, how profoundly sad that people can't see what you see. And lastly only i know how lame it is to always get the fuzzy side of the lollipop. Thank you to all the people that made this an amazing year. Thank you to the people that only had one or two great spurts of ideas but faded out of my life. And a big fuck you to those who stressed me out. Who ruined my day or my week, and to those who i feel bad for, letting you know, i have lost all respect for you, i feel no pity for you, and believe me when i say, i will tear you from limb to limb, if you hurt me or the ones i love.
And lastly a big, big, big thank you to the girl, in a non -sexual way, who has my corazon, Anne,...
the christina to my courtney, lovey because too much shit has happened i just have one question for you: "do you like Pina Coladas?"

Serial Dater

I should be writing my speech on the Salvadorian Civil War, however if I don't write this down i might just not get anything done. So while doing my usual thing and chatting with mah lover and bestie Nannie, i had a revelation of sorts. To understand this revelation you must first understand where i am coming from. This semseter has been both a bitch and super fun! this is prolly the best social semester of my life and yet the one where i got everything but my math in concordance. ok,ok second. Anyways through the ups - and downs of the damn last four months, i have kept a close eye on a boy in my Math class. His name is Andrew i believe, i could be wrong. He is my type, tall but yet short. Dark eyes and dark hair, he looks like a mix of japanese and american parentage. He is very cute and i noticed him because he was dancing in class. Anyways it so happens that today while in class, waiting for our math teacher, this one dude and Andrew are talking about God knows what, when he confesses (in fornt of everyone might i add) that he has never had a girlfriend and what not. that he has never even been on a date. That made my Grinch heart stop and grow a bit. OMWOW i want him. May i have him for Christmas! please with a bow on his.. oh wait going to fast. Anyway my teahcer never showed up so i left . i went to the nearest computer and chatted it to Nannie. Nannie said to go ask him out immediatly, one he had left and two i was not so sure last time i listened to her and fatty patty i got a huge slap in the face..
the dear john letter thing..
so i hesitated, but i really want him .... now for the second guy
Ro is a guy i have known as long as i have known Nannie, which would be around four years. Granted i didn't start liking him till after high school, i couldn't tell you why, he is tall but not too tall, lean and dark hair , dark eyes. yeah i guess he fits my profile.lol. Anyways, he is super shy, or at least until you get to know him better. So time after time i kept feeling girlish around him. And i damn my lack of flirting, because damn it i want him tooo . He himself has never had a girlfriend or a lover nothing, he is like a a blank love page. waiting to be written over.
My point; my type appears to be a guy who hasn't had any experience at all, in the field. i like em' fresh. God i sound like a serial killer/ serial dater?
Now to suck it up and ask one of them out .. prolly not Ro cuz it'd be kinda weird if he said no, 1 and 2 i don't know what to do with him.
As for Andrew he is a complete mystery to me. I'd rather ask him out (cuz i'm a coward )and if he says no we both dissappear. Right?
All i know is that i like 'em both and anything i do at this point is beyond weird...

I laugh at her lies

Ask anyone of the boys i beat up in middle school i was the Queen B. By B i mean Bitch and no I am not ashamed or angry or whatever about being a Bitch. I've grown fond of the nickname. Anyway the thing is, I did get tired of having drama because my bitchy side could not lose an argument (and if so I beat the other person) so I learned to tame my bitch. For a long time she has lain dormant inside of me. I know she is just waiting for an opportunity to pounce and become destructive. So when i found out that one of my so called best friends had been lying to me for months I lost the battle and my inner bitch took control.. I haven't seen this so called friend in a while but when i do it won't be pretty. For you see i'm not the kinda of girl to take peoples shit. I'll warn you once and that's all you'll get and once your on my shit list i will hunt you down.. The worst part is I was acustumed to being made fun of in middle school so I was always ready for a comeback.. i could always burn the other person out. If they called me kirby i would call them (one example of a boy who made fun of me however never took a shower) i said " bitch i may be kirby but u smell like u've never touched shampoo in ur whole entire life, i may be fat but at least i'm not smelly" he lost self -esteem points. i slept like a baby that night. My point is, this girl needs to watch it.. if he keeps lying to me and telling me that she is still dating this one dude i will laugh at her wait till she is hapy in her so called relationship and laugh at her face, she'll ask what's so funny and i'll say "you sad pathetic low-life, u lied to me, expected me to believe you, and i laugh because i know how he truly feels, he hates you.. i laugh at the lies you have to say to make yourself seem like this all important slut, but your nothing more than dirt on my shoe" ... mean, she asked for it..
The bitch is back, with claws out, and she is ready to rip your insides....

stuck in a rut, or roundaabout argument!

As my friends walk out the door i melt, i have a break. I am done. I cry silently for two minutes, i get up go the restroom, brush my hair and, walk to the kitchen. I am the oldest child of two parents who obiviously really need me around. Or so they keep telling me. I'm old enough that they can leave my two younger siblings here so i can take care of them. You see it isn't that i am complaining about taking care of the kids it's that my mother always does it (or it feels like it) to sabatoge me. I know that isn't the case but that's how it feels. I had this saturday all planned out come home and hae a nice fall day with the esniffers. i have no idea what we were going to do but i know that with those two i always have fun. And it dosen't mean that i can't go out with them later, but i hate it that i psyched myself for a good fucking day to have it crumble because my mom decided to take advantage of the fact that i was around to do fucking meaningless errands. what would she have done if i had decided to stay in riverside? what would she have done if when she had gotten home, i had already left and embarked my fabulous day? Then parents wonder why thier children want to leave thier homes so badly. I have been wanting to leave this place for years ever since my older brother moved in and my baby sister arrived and established this rut as her reigning kingdom. Oh but godforbid that i do anything to disagree with them. they threaten to take away my liberty and my privacy. What is it about this roundabaout argument, that has me so pissed, that I AM STUCK TAKING CARE OF KIDS THAT I DIDN'T BIRTH. I don't to sound like i'm whining but why do the oldest get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. i feel like a thirty year old mom that has to stop her life. that has everything that is carrer wise end for her because hs suddenly has two baggage claims.. it's super ridiculous but nobody can understand how it feels like until it is done to you. And i know it's a silly argument. But i can't help feeling dejected, angry, and frustrated all in one. this is one argument i can't win. I am so done with feeling like a mom, and telling these kids what is wrong what is right, so to all of you out there (FattyPatty) that wnat to have kids and are under the age of twnety five don't do it! really dont

the notion i seem to never understand: LOVE

The thought that i have at this moment is that i should really be writing the essay about the epic heroes of the past but honestly i am not going to at least not while i have other thoughts in my head. Mainly the thing thta has been bothering me for the last month practically is my cousin Brneda's toxic relationship with her boyfriend steve. Ask me why i care and the only thing i can say is that i hate to see her so upset. Now wouldi do this for any one of my other friends? The answer is yes. However i hate it that i am telling her things for her own good. i told her fuck this guy, he dosen't understand all the sacrifices you have made for him. And after she broke up with him he got a girlfriend that same day. So tell me why she still loves this fucker. i would understand her more if she had been in this relationship for more than six months but dman it's only been two monts and they are already palnning the years after marriage! is it me or is society pushing us to fall in love. are we so caught up in the thought that to be something wre have to be a "We" . is there no space left for the single girls anymore? Why is it that a single girl has to really think about sleeping around? I have often thouhgt about pretending to be a guy and do what they do, hit on random guys, make promiscious jokes and it all backfires, i am either deemed a horny immature virgin or a easy slut. Why can guys be so open about thier sexual promiscuity without being looked at like a walking biohazard sign?Is there some rule that says that if you sleep around your a slut? if so why are guys rewarderd for thier slutiness and gals punished and made fun of for thier active libidos? Who wrote in permanent marker that to have sex you need to be in a relationship. oh but beware the moment you say u can be promiscious and the be in a situation were it gets thrown in ur face and your trying to make the opposite point. In this world where everyone is cynical and mainly looking out for themselves. where face to face chat exists only when we strive to make it work, how are we to ever know when we have found the one? i have always wondered is thier even a "the one" because it's getting ever harder to find. i would like to believe in this notion of love. i mean i have friends that are so deeply in love you don't realize it until thier breaking down in your arms. On of my close friends Julia fell in love with a guy in eighth grade and they were together fro liek four years. he was like two years older. they broke up two years ago. She called me to hang out last week and she cried for two hours because he sent her a message telling her that he stilled loved her. How do guys do that with just a text message a email a phone call or anything remotly showing that they still think about you break or make ur day. she cried and she kept asking me why it hurt why did she feel the gaping hole in her heart? And i sitting there, was confused. what could i tell her? i've never been in love like that. i told her that it was like a deep wound and that she needed not to pick at it and that she needed to let it heal. A couple days later, this saturday actually i slept pver my cousin's house. she cried for three hours and told me how he(steve) still had her heart and how he left her feeling empty and yada yada yada...this whole idea of love seems corny.. i guess it is corny, and despite what i know these girls are going through (Marie included) i am curious and i want to experience love. but it goes back to the why. this is a rounabout argument that i would love an answer too so if any would could shed light on the subject plez do.. before i make a move

Never Again........

I had the biggest Hangover of my life on Fri/ Sat. For starters i am a heavy drinker and have been so, since i first started in tenth grade, i very much enjoy my liqour. So thurs my godsis comes to pick me up for a sleepover and we were going to watch a couple of scary films and then u know chat and whatever, and we did. Fri she was like "oh let's get tipsy" so me ever being the drunky and the one who never says no said "hell ya" we were on a mission to get swaying before her mom got home like at five. So she calls her friend over and he brings a bottle of Bacardi Puerto Rican Rum, after i specifically tell her that i hate rum. But hey i was desperate to start drinking, plus i didn't pay so who am i to complain. So i began my mission with a cup full of the stuff.. i should have just stopped there in fact i should havee drunk standing up that i way i could have felt it. instead i was watching videos on my friends laptop, i was watching The Lonely Islands videos (so funny). so then they left to go get some weed. When they came back we proceded to smoke it till we couldn't breathe anymore. it was called Train Wreck if u want to know.. i was so high and so drunk aso i thought it would be a great idea to have some more Bacardi and i did a half cup full.. i was so gone.. my godsis said she thought i was dead at some point. i got home and i immediatly threw up. oh man on Sat i had the biggest hangover of my life.. never again will i either mix the two or if i do only in small portions. the excruciating pain and the fact that i sort of had to hide it is to mucch of a volatile formula, not to mention a hassel so once again.. never again

blue caslopous

Officially or well not just yet, school will be over. This semster i started with the idea that i would go through without really liking anyone unattainable. however surprise surprise when my high school crush walks in and opps ends up sitting next to me. ha! welcome to my loveless life. i wanted all the rest of the week to say want to go out to a movie or something. especially since there were many good movies to see. but no the coward in me always won and so i always backed off. how ridiculous i mean this guy is cute, and nice and he makes me laugh a lot.. but hot dog i just can't bring myself to say anything. it's like the words get stuck in my mouth. or more specifically they got stuck in my throat and well now i can't tell him what i feel becasue well the time is up and even though we have the internet i'm really not going to ask him anything..
my question is why is it so hard to ask someone out? more importantly how do you get a guy to ask you out? why is it so difficult to get a damn date!!!!! why does it seem so imposible! why!!!
it's easy to get involved in a hook up, but a actual relationship so hard! why????? it bothers me so tremendously, i wish i could just chanel my inner samantha and get things moving!
every one of my girlfriends told me to yes ask him out. but i can't do it.. i'm a coward. my love life might as well not exsist. i mean how absurd were put on this earth to procreate, yet it's the process we take to procreate, that is so complex and intracte filled with guy guessing games, then the way you feel you really have to make sure, i mean if i wrote a list of all the things that i wanted are the potential factor for relationships i would be writing my dissertation. all a girl wants is for a guy that is funny and nice and caring and laughs when you step on his feet and don't even notice and tell you, "you've been steping on my foot for awhile" and while i blushed and completly felt like an ass, i tried my hardest to laugh it off and pay attention to my final, but while he smiled and looked away i couldn't help but get carried away by his good looks especially today where his hair looked like he just rolled out of bed and he obivously didn't have time to shave because he had stubble, and it looks good.. ughh,.. how do u pass a final with that making you laugh? how do you pay attention? is there no end to my humiliation i mean it would be hilarious if accidentally he looked at this blog.. that would be completly humiliating.. ah well i can't wait to get over him, that could be awhile but i wish he would just ask me out already.

run down memory lane?

so every spring i feel like i've seen everything before it borders on nostalgia and well it's a very weird feeling it makes me more insightful and as usual makes me think too much..i have a hard time sleeping and i find myself thinking about my past indescretions=]but anyway i always think about stuff that i shouldn't because it makes me sad and nostalgic and it prolongs my procrastination.. every time i know that i hit the month of may i think to myself, why do i think about this? why do i put myself in a position where i think about the could have, the should have, the maybe, the what ifs', all that goes through my mind whenever i don't have something filling the endless train of thought, adn today in english class, listening to my critical thinking teacher dron on and on about the importance of standing your ground i focused at a scar on my hand and i finally figured why i dwell on this nostalgia and why i always think about these things and am unable to let them go. it was around this time that i had my first tour of the male anatomy..it was the first time i had any sort of bodily contact with a boy..
so this is why i dwell on this as the most memorable time of the year, so if i space out or if i look like i am about to cry it's prolly cause i'm thinking about that first time..

Life Lessons

Life Lessons:
-your never too old for swings.
-your never too old to go on the slide
-if you go down the twisty one you may gravitate more to the side witht the ridge.
-the park is always better at night
-hot dog buns are delicious.
-chocolate is usually good no matter what.
-children over the age of five and under the age of thirteen are usually annoying beyond all mesaure.
-you'll have more fun if your with a friend.
-hugging is key
-the ladder get's narrower at the top
-math is usually a depressing subject, and one english majors may not understand(me)
-water is nice at any time
-clingy girlfriends are hard to let go of..
-the swings are scary when they start to creek.
-cold bannana is good.
-Anne makes me laugh
-Jerome is a robo dwarf hampster
-go down the slide on your back, it's a whole new experience.

Which is it?

Here's what i heard: if you want something bad enough, you'll get it. Opposed to that there is also this other quote: ? The more you want it, the less likely you are to get it. 

So my question is: what is the way to go.. for years(more like one) i've wished that i my would be lover would saunter he's nice looking ass my way. But here is someone else telling me something difference that would makes sense. i've wanted alot of things and when i really want it i get something different. Example three weeks ago i  was looking for these two sweaters that i had lost like two months ago. A week later i lost my camera cable. However that same day i found my sweater. So what i have to so now is look for something else so that i can find my camera cable.  

I guess it goes like this: you never find what your looking for, until you find the first thing that made you lose it in the first place.  so what i have to do is just let life take me and jsut go with its flow, after all isn't that how it happens you always find (i know it sounds cliched) what your looking for when you least expected? So now what i plan to do is to look for something else, and maybe i'll get my camera and a little something more

Off to Clairmont

Let me tell you a story: (the following is a true story)
She lay crying in her bed. she was sad alone and afraid of the future that loomed ahead. her necies were coming on Sunday she knew she had to pull herself together, her oldest neice her favorite, would see through the facade, but it was worth a try. she cried, until she fell asleep. in the morning she woke up and decided to take the dog on a walk around the condo. she found another rose.. when would he get it. when would he stop sending her the damn flowers?
he loved her and she knew that. but she had fallen out of love, she was angry and disillusioned.her heart was in million tiny pieces and secretly she knew she wasn't exactly as sane as she once was. March had proved to be a crazy month. she had walked out on her ten year marriage, to a man who had the emotionss of a rock and the mouth like a politician. it took her thirty minutes to pack all the belonging she had gathered in her ten years of marriage. mainly because her stuff was still in the same boxes they had been in since they had moved in the house. the house of her dreams. just not the man of her dreams. her life had gone ary, where was she. people had said she changed. she had lost her esscence. she had lost herself on the rocky road of her marriage. yet here she was,, wishing that she wasn't alone. she believed in love. but was anybody out there that would love her? she wondered,what had she done to deserve this hot mess of a life. imagine. a fourth grade teacher, a soon to be divorced fourth grade teacher. she wanted to love again she wanted to remember a time when she was happy with no worries.. Here she stands with her head in her hands and her body resting on me. i hug her and i tell her it's ok that i will always be there for her. i tell her that, though she will feel alone and she will feel scared that she must go through with her decision.that she must for her own sanity, leave him forever. i hold her until she sleeps and i make myself coffee.. i wish she could go though this painful process alone. i wish the flowers away.. i go to sleep and when i wake up i wish the flowers away..

Studmuffin

"joe" his name is something else , but to me he was always just joe. and i think i might have loved him. he made the butterflies in my tummy flutter and i have yet to find someone else who does it like he did. he was one of my best guy friends. he was amazing. everytime i saw him i just turned scarlet. joe was my high school sweetheart, and although we never went out we never kissed we never did much more than hold hands and walk around school with our arms around our waists i have never had something closer to a boyfriend before are after him. it felt like we were ina relationship, even my mom was like when is he going to ask you out. actually we meet each other's parents. it was weird. he walked me to class i kissed him on the cheek when i passed by his class, i would fix his chin hair/goatee.. on fieldtrips he was my bus buddy and he was the one who stroked my hair and it was I who held his hand so he wouldn't get lost. And to think we started talking because i fell in love with his star backpack! i think senior year i had the courage to say i know you like me you know i want you, let's get together, when he quietly and suddenly moved schools! i was saddended but i put it behind me and to be honest didn't care because during vacation i had a hook up, so i was devoid of emotion but i know that had i seen Joe my kuslapous would have done it's usual flip! but senior went by college began and even now i wouldn't have cared i thought i was done with all of him, but two days ago wiffey found his myspace. and i saw it and yes the kuslapous did a flip, whoever said they can't flip hasn't had it happen.. think of keanu reeves rock hard body!ahhh.. anyway, point is i feel things again, if only i could like project them onto someone else. someone i would/could have a potential relationship with. surprisingly the only guy i like is also named jose (joe's real name) and i nick named him joe.. similarites? that's where they end.. we'll see but i need to not see joe's face it's brutally handsome and it makes me cringe and i can't stop thinking if only!!!! ever had one of those days were your just a complete hot mess?

pun intended

ok so spring is coming and on it's tail rides summer, the barely clothed season. my goal to lose weight is not going in the direction i planned considering that everytime i'm around my friend anne (and we hang out almost every saturday or friday) we consume more in a day than i usually do in two days. you see, she is a very snackish person and well i like snacks to but can control myself, usually, instead i'll eat a big lunch and a small dinner usually cereal(mainly because by then i don't have the energy to cook and i won't eat meat that my mom cooks, bcause it takes to long to digest. when i'm around anne i eat mostly everything she does, mainly because it's really good!!!!! i mean who can pass up on cookies frozen yogurt, chocolate and churros?? how about elote loco, from the street vendors?? how can i not at least take a bite out of that??
it's ridiculous everytime were together weird things start to happen, she starts to forget things, something that i do thanx to the blonde hair(pun intended) and i eat like a fatass, which i know she does all the time, where she puts it away i'll never know! also food starts to come alive, for example we were at del taco once and we bought churros and coffee, i didn't want my last nugget of churro and so i poked the fork into it. it made eyes and that gave me the brilliant idea to make it a mouth and voila there is a very good imitation of a minituture human being. crazy part is he seemed to express emotion it was so scary that we threw him away wondering if he'd coe chasing after us.. *shivers*.. another thing would be the indecisiveness.. we never seem to know what to do. it's ridiculous. but we have fun anyway..so back to summer i hope to become more active as in walk eww.. what i need is to get a boyfriend... any takers??