stuck in a rut, or roundaabout argument!

As my friends walk out the door i melt, i have a break. I am done. I cry silently for two minutes, i get up go the restroom, brush my hair and, walk to the kitchen. I am the oldest child of two parents who obiviously really need me around. Or so they keep telling me. I'm old enough that they can leave my two younger siblings here so i can take care of them. You see it isn't that i am complaining about taking care of the kids it's that my mother always does it (or it feels like it) to sabatoge me. I know that isn't the case but that's how it feels. I had this saturday all planned out come home and hae a nice fall day with the esniffers. i have no idea what we were going to do but i know that with those two i always have fun. And it dosen't mean that i can't go out with them later, but i hate it that i psyched myself for a good fucking day to have it crumble because my mom decided to take advantage of the fact that i was around to do fucking meaningless errands. what would she have done if i had decided to stay in riverside? what would she have done if when she had gotten home, i had already left and embarked my fabulous day? Then parents wonder why thier children want to leave thier homes so badly. I have been wanting to leave this place for years ever since my older brother moved in and my baby sister arrived and established this rut as her reigning kingdom. Oh but godforbid that i do anything to disagree with them. they threaten to take away my liberty and my privacy. What is it about this roundabaout argument, that has me so pissed, that I AM STUCK TAKING CARE OF KIDS THAT I DIDN'T BIRTH. I don't to sound like i'm whining but why do the oldest get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. i feel like a thirty year old mom that has to stop her life. that has everything that is carrer wise end for her because hs suddenly has two baggage claims.. it's super ridiculous but nobody can understand how it feels like until it is done to you. And i know it's a silly argument. But i can't help feeling dejected, angry, and frustrated all in one. this is one argument i can't win. I am so done with feeling like a mom, and telling these kids what is wrong what is right, so to all of you out there (FattyPatty) that wnat to have kids and are under the age of twnety five don't do it! really dont

the notion i seem to never understand: LOVE

The thought that i have at this moment is that i should really be writing the essay about the epic heroes of the past but honestly i am not going to at least not while i have other thoughts in my head. Mainly the thing thta has been bothering me for the last month practically is my cousin Brneda's toxic relationship with her boyfriend steve. Ask me why i care and the only thing i can say is that i hate to see her so upset. Now wouldi do this for any one of my other friends? The answer is yes. However i hate it that i am telling her things for her own good. i told her fuck this guy, he dosen't understand all the sacrifices you have made for him. And after she broke up with him he got a girlfriend that same day. So tell me why she still loves this fucker. i would understand her more if she had been in this relationship for more than six months but dman it's only been two monts and they are already palnning the years after marriage! is it me or is society pushing us to fall in love. are we so caught up in the thought that to be something wre have to be a "We" . is there no space left for the single girls anymore? Why is it that a single girl has to really think about sleeping around? I have often thouhgt about pretending to be a guy and do what they do, hit on random guys, make promiscious jokes and it all backfires, i am either deemed a horny immature virgin or a easy slut. Why can guys be so open about thier sexual promiscuity without being looked at like a walking biohazard sign?Is there some rule that says that if you sleep around your a slut? if so why are guys rewarderd for thier slutiness and gals punished and made fun of for thier active libidos? Who wrote in permanent marker that to have sex you need to be in a relationship. oh but beware the moment you say u can be promiscious and the be in a situation were it gets thrown in ur face and your trying to make the opposite point. In this world where everyone is cynical and mainly looking out for themselves. where face to face chat exists only when we strive to make it work, how are we to ever know when we have found the one? i have always wondered is thier even a "the one" because it's getting ever harder to find. i would like to believe in this notion of love. i mean i have friends that are so deeply in love you don't realize it until thier breaking down in your arms. On of my close friends Julia fell in love with a guy in eighth grade and they were together fro liek four years. he was like two years older. they broke up two years ago. She called me to hang out last week and she cried for two hours because he sent her a message telling her that he stilled loved her. How do guys do that with just a text message a email a phone call or anything remotly showing that they still think about you break or make ur day. she cried and she kept asking me why it hurt why did she feel the gaping hole in her heart? And i sitting there, was confused. what could i tell her? i've never been in love like that. i told her that it was like a deep wound and that she needed not to pick at it and that she needed to let it heal. A couple days later, this saturday actually i slept pver my cousin's house. she cried for three hours and told me how he(steve) still had her heart and how he left her feeling empty and yada yada yada...this whole idea of love seems corny.. i guess it is corny, and despite what i know these girls are going through (Marie included) i am curious and i want to experience love. but it goes back to the why. this is a rounabout argument that i would love an answer too so if any would could shed light on the subject plez do.. before i make a move

Never Again........

I had the biggest Hangover of my life on Fri/ Sat. For starters i am a heavy drinker and have been so, since i first started in tenth grade, i very much enjoy my liqour. So thurs my godsis comes to pick me up for a sleepover and we were going to watch a couple of scary films and then u know chat and whatever, and we did. Fri she was like "oh let's get tipsy" so me ever being the drunky and the one who never says no said "hell ya" we were on a mission to get swaying before her mom got home like at five. So she calls her friend over and he brings a bottle of Bacardi Puerto Rican Rum, after i specifically tell her that i hate rum. But hey i was desperate to start drinking, plus i didn't pay so who am i to complain. So i began my mission with a cup full of the stuff.. i should have just stopped there in fact i should havee drunk standing up that i way i could have felt it. instead i was watching videos on my friends laptop, i was watching The Lonely Islands videos (so funny). so then they left to go get some weed. When they came back we proceded to smoke it till we couldn't breathe anymore. it was called Train Wreck if u want to know.. i was so high and so drunk aso i thought it would be a great idea to have some more Bacardi and i did a half cup full.. i was so gone.. my godsis said she thought i was dead at some point. i got home and i immediatly threw up. oh man on Sat i had the biggest hangover of my life.. never again will i either mix the two or if i do only in small portions. the excruciating pain and the fact that i sort of had to hide it is to mucch of a volatile formula, not to mention a hassel so once again.. never again

blue caslopous

Officially or well not just yet, school will be over. This semster i started with the idea that i would go through without really liking anyone unattainable. however surprise surprise when my high school crush walks in and opps ends up sitting next to me. ha! welcome to my loveless life. i wanted all the rest of the week to say want to go out to a movie or something. especially since there were many good movies to see. but no the coward in me always won and so i always backed off. how ridiculous i mean this guy is cute, and nice and he makes me laugh a lot.. but hot dog i just can't bring myself to say anything. it's like the words get stuck in my mouth. or more specifically they got stuck in my throat and well now i can't tell him what i feel becasue well the time is up and even though we have the internet i'm really not going to ask him anything..
my question is why is it so hard to ask someone out? more importantly how do you get a guy to ask you out? why is it so difficult to get a damn date!!!!! why does it seem so imposible! why!!!
it's easy to get involved in a hook up, but a actual relationship so hard! why????? it bothers me so tremendously, i wish i could just chanel my inner samantha and get things moving!
every one of my girlfriends told me to yes ask him out. but i can't do it.. i'm a coward. my love life might as well not exsist. i mean how absurd were put on this earth to procreate, yet it's the process we take to procreate, that is so complex and intracte filled with guy guessing games, then the way you feel you really have to make sure, i mean if i wrote a list of all the things that i wanted are the potential factor for relationships i would be writing my dissertation. all a girl wants is for a guy that is funny and nice and caring and laughs when you step on his feet and don't even notice and tell you, "you've been steping on my foot for awhile" and while i blushed and completly felt like an ass, i tried my hardest to laugh it off and pay attention to my final, but while he smiled and looked away i couldn't help but get carried away by his good looks especially today where his hair looked like he just rolled out of bed and he obivously didn't have time to shave because he had stubble, and it looks good.. ughh,.. how do u pass a final with that making you laugh? how do you pay attention? is there no end to my humiliation i mean it would be hilarious if accidentally he looked at this blog.. that would be completly humiliating.. ah well i can't wait to get over him, that could be awhile but i wish he would just ask me out already.

run down memory lane?

so every spring i feel like i've seen everything before it borders on nostalgia and well it's a very weird feeling it makes me more insightful and as usual makes me think too much..i have a hard time sleeping and i find myself thinking about my past indescretions=]but anyway i always think about stuff that i shouldn't because it makes me sad and nostalgic and it prolongs my procrastination.. every time i know that i hit the month of may i think to myself, why do i think about this? why do i put myself in a position where i think about the could have, the should have, the maybe, the what ifs', all that goes through my mind whenever i don't have something filling the endless train of thought, adn today in english class, listening to my critical thinking teacher dron on and on about the importance of standing your ground i focused at a scar on my hand and i finally figured why i dwell on this nostalgia and why i always think about these things and am unable to let them go. it was around this time that i had my first tour of the male anatomy..it was the first time i had any sort of bodily contact with a boy..
so this is why i dwell on this as the most memorable time of the year, so if i space out or if i look like i am about to cry it's prolly cause i'm thinking about that first time..

Life Lessons

Life Lessons:
-your never too old for swings.
-your never too old to go on the slide
-if you go down the twisty one you may gravitate more to the side witht the ridge.
-the park is always better at night
-hot dog buns are delicious.
-chocolate is usually good no matter what.
-children over the age of five and under the age of thirteen are usually annoying beyond all mesaure.
-you'll have more fun if your with a friend.
-hugging is key
-the ladder get's narrower at the top
-math is usually a depressing subject, and one english majors may not understand(me)
-water is nice at any time
-clingy girlfriends are hard to let go of..
-the swings are scary when they start to creek.
-cold bannana is good.
-Anne makes me laugh
-Jerome is a robo dwarf hampster
-go down the slide on your back, it's a whole new experience.

Which is it?

Here's what i heard: if you want something bad enough, you'll get it. Opposed to that there is also this other quote: ? The more you want it, the less likely you are to get it. 

So my question is: what is the way to go.. for years(more like one) i've wished that i my would be lover would saunter he's nice looking ass my way. But here is someone else telling me something difference that would makes sense. i've wanted alot of things and when i really want it i get something different. Example three weeks ago i  was looking for these two sweaters that i had lost like two months ago. A week later i lost my camera cable. However that same day i found my sweater. So what i have to so now is look for something else so that i can find my camera cable.  

I guess it goes like this: you never find what your looking for, until you find the first thing that made you lose it in the first place.  so what i have to do is just let life take me and jsut go with its flow, after all isn't that how it happens you always find (i know it sounds cliched) what your looking for when you least expected? So now what i plan to do is to look for something else, and maybe i'll get my camera and a little something more