Midnight Banter

I'm listening to the rain fall outside my window and my fingers are itching to type on my now running laptop. So i decide to look back at my almost five years on Blogger. I was fucking stupid. Half of 2008 is misspelled and the other is so high school I want to kick myself in the crotch  Truth there are some insightful moments in those blogs, but the truth one gets better with age. you get wiser, you get smarter and you learn to hide identities. Furthermore I have also seen my progress, so i'm not that whiny anymore, I've grown. Sometimes it takes a little disheveling to grow up and I'm sad thats what it took

So in retrospect I want to see what I've learned this year. I've learned to let love in again and to not be so afraid of my imminent demise. Whatever happens happens and you have to trust that everything is going to be ok. I sometimes get to tense about certain situations and i'm starting to believe I have some control issues but i think that as an adult i can honestly say i need to chill the fuck out. I need to trust myself more, as well as push myself more. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I need a change. Sometimes i'm disgusted with myself and sometimes I'm proud of myself. Truth is, like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. 

Also I need to stop the relationship that might be growing between me and a certain engaged gentleman. No i don't have bad grammar but I use Me first, because me is the only one I can control. I need to stop looking for guys ( or at least stop being drawn to them) who have no interest in me. I need to quit it before one of them starts to date one of my friends. I need to look for a guy who likes me. Who says hey thats the kind of girl i usually date. Not she's something so different, so new, so not like what i see. That ends up bad and I'm labeled under friends and wondering what the fuck i did wrong. 

I need to stop posting movie reviews in an effort to make myself look and feel purposeful. I want to be somebody and i want to get things done, so i need to remove my mental blocking. 

Lastly I need to keep my friendships strong, I love them all dearly and I know what its like to lose a friend to words and miss-communications and whats its like to lose to death. And i don't want to lose my friends to any of the reasons. 

Mostly i need to remember, no matter what, Care for thyself, Trust Thyself and Love thyself